It seems to me there are really four things one can see when looking at their life: what was, what is, what is likely to be and what you want to be. None of them are set in stone, not even the past, because things learned about yourself and others can alter what that past actually looks like: a lie, a mistake, a set of ideas or values that you come to find out were not actually shared… learning any of those things takes the past you thought was true and slams in your face the fact that you really didn’t know a damn thing; you were a fool. The present, then, once you realize this about the past, is this constantly shifting thing where you’re trying to figure out if what you think is real is actually true and it becomes difficult to trust much of anything. The future, them, either the one you want or the one that is most likely, are both in flux because if the past is unstable, then present is less so, making any possible future literally a stab out into chaos. This is where I am right now: learning what is and isn’t real as I venture out into some very real chaos. I don’t honestly know where anything lands these days, as apparently I didn’t really know where anything ever really was to begin with, on many levels, with many, many people and situations in my life. It’s agonizing to find out how little you actually ever know about much of anything or anyone, especially yourself. I never knew that I was capable of doing the things that I did to my family. I lost all trust because I was in fact not trustworthy. I let everyone down with my thoughts, ideas, misconceptions and selfish actions. I am a monster and all of my chaos was self-created. All one can do is resolve to decide who they will be and try to have a set of standards defined that will carry them through. I am trying.